Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Wed prompt for Poetic Asides, "changes" Oct.20.2010

Tonight I Find Myself Missing You

Tonight I find myself missing you worse than usual and you are not gone
For real but only getting ready to go, still, part of you seems bent on leaving
And there does not seem to be any way of dissuading you; that scares me

Of all the things that I thought might befall us as we aged, this is not one
That occurred to me; it never once crossed my heart – that maybe we would recover
From that awful time when I almost tore us to pieces only to learn, that,
In what seems an indecently short time later, you do not feel much like going the distance –

That you think it is about done – your life that is – that your body is used up
Betraying you faster than you can cope and resignation is eating hope out of your soul like battery acid
I can’t imagine I possess anything that will staunch that

So I put on our saddest music; Mickey Newbury, Janis Ian ...
And try to go where you are – ironic that I now need to bring myself down so I can relate to your pain
Me, who spent well over half of my life in depths of depression most people cannot even imagine,
Feel so guilty to be well when you are fading fast
But it feels unfair to me that I should be revving my motor when the springs in your engine
Are well sprung and I know that I bear a certain responsibility for that

Oh, I know how kind you are about me getting my shot; I also know that by rights
There are some would say I should be getting shot – not a chance at living fully

Fittingly, Ben Folds Five’s The Luckiest just started
That song makes me cry every time I hear it and I’m sure
It’s because that’s how I feel about us – especially the ending
You know where the old man dies and his wife lies down
In their bed and ends up dying beside him in the next day or so

That seems like how we’ll end up; I can’t imagine living on
Without you – so tonight I find myself missing you
More than usual – I wonder if there is anything I can do
To keep you from going prematurely or if you really do have to leave

You’ve always been my rock, the one who pulled me up
Now I need to find a way to pull you out of the darkness
Into the light – surely after all this time, I can do that this once.


1 comment:

  1. "...losing my timing this late/in my career"
    Sad, sad poem, like Send in the Clowns. A bit of synchronicity is needed.

    Don' forget to post your link again on Friday's Come one come all at Big Tent